A Guide to Love, Loss, and Desperation
by yumcircles
Summary: When Kurt moves to college, Blaine's life goes tumbling spiral. This is his story of Love, Loss, and Desperation. All chapters and events inspired by the incredible music of The Wombats.
1. I Don't Want To Be Alone With Me

A Guide to Love, Loss, and Desperation

_By Josh Pulsifer and Francesca Rossi Price_

__Chapter One__

He always wondered what it'd be like to have to survive without Kurt. Blaine thought to himself. "His silky-soft chestnut hair always done up to perfection, the way his voice made him jump with excitement with every syllable he heard, and his glass eyes that brighten his entire life. It's all going to be gone within a matter of a week. Kurt will have left to NYADA, and Blaine will be left with all his flaws. The only thing perfect about him is Kurt. That's the way it will always be." As Blaine listens to "Here Comes the Anxiety" by The Wombats, he can't help but to let his mind run. He can't make himself stop thinking of him.

"I need to get drunk tonight." Blaine tells himself, "It is 2 AM, I'm sad and lonely. Why aren't I drunk?" He finally gets up from his half made bed after procrastinating drinking for hours now. He walks up to his bookshelves and finds the bottle of red wine right behind his copy of, "Looking for Alaska" He always told himself the only alcoholic substance he would ever keep in his room was wine. He thought wine was romantic and less of the typical "Oh look at me I'm a kid that loves Jack Daniels! I also love to party and have sex 24/7!" However, Kurt just thought it was odd that Blaine thinks in such a way and just refers to his boyfriend as "one fancy motherfucker" Kurt can always manage to get a chuckle from Blaine. After many moments, he decides not to go back to his bed, but instead just sit on the floor and start chugging away. Blaine suddenly doesn't feel like one fancy motherfucker. The thing with wine is that you really shouldn't take huge gulps or it just taste like total shit, but in a situation like this, he feels he needs to get tipsy as fast as possible. Drowning his sorrows seems like the only thing he has control of these days, but he tells himself he has a reason for drinking. However, it's just fuel for the fire that is a future alcoholic; Blaine Anderson.

He sits on the floor and just keeps on thinking. He had been told on many occasions by his friends from glee club that he needed to quote, "Dude, chill out. Your boyfriend is going to college. It's not that big of a deal." However, he thinks it is quite apparent that these people don't have what Kurt and he have. Blaine keeps his mind wondering as he drinks. There's a very special bond you make with people sometimes. A bond you can only have with maybe one in a million. Connections like these are the ones in which you can almost feel a person. Blaine knows it sounds creepy, but he feels like he can just hear him sometimes. He knows what he's feeling and can know from miles away. Kurt is a part of him. He is a part of Blaine. Now that one special part of him is moving thousands of miles away, and he honestly doesn't know if he can survive. "Fuck my life." He lamented as he continued to down his alcohol.

"Fucking shit, man." He takes another swig of his cheap wine. "I'm pathetic. This really is going to be me for another year. Drinking alone in my bedroom. Awesome. Can't wait for the rest of my life." He ponders angrily in his empty room, but then the tiny anxiety attacks come in, "Fuck. Honestly. COME ON." He takes a big breath, but realizes this panic attack isn't leaving anytime soon. He hid the wine bottle, and crawled back into bed. He had never remembered a time when he wanted to die more. "My life is turning to shit and it's now trying to take me away with it. I can't let it," Blaine begins to tear up, but he takes another deep breath; "I won't let anything get between Kurt and I. I love him too much. He loves me too much. Everything. Will. Be. Fine." He takes one last breath of air before slowly drifting off to the music playing softly in the background.


	2. I Hope That No One Ever Leaves

"I'll miss you." Kurt whispered into Blaine's chest as they lied together tangled in each other's arms. Tonight was their last night together before Kurt left for New York. "I'll miss you so much, you have no idea. Every day in class, at home, in glee club I'll be thinking of you." Blaine said in a hushed tone followed by a light kiss to Kurt's head. Blaine had realized a long time ago that he and Kurt had become one of those soppy co-dependent couples you see in public that make you want to gag but Kurt had brought out that side of him and it seemed that as soon as that had happened he couldn't stop acting that way.

"Don't worry, we'll still have Skype and Facebook and hey, you could even use this as an excuse to finally write me a love letter. You know I always wanted one of those" Kurt reassured.  
>"But it won't be the same will it?" Blaine whined. "I won't get to touch you anymore or kiss you or hug you or just generally drink in your presence. I don't just want to experience you through a laggy video chat. I just want to be with you every day."<p>

"We love each other don't we? I know this is going to be hard for the both of us but we can get through this. We've been through so much crap together; I know we can manage this." Kurt reasoned.  
>But that was the problem. They had been through so much together. Being apart was the issue. Whenever things got bad for Blaine or Kurt they always had each other, that was their thing. They were going to be apart this year and it was going to be hard and they wouldn't have each other to pull through. But Blaine didn't dare to voice that out loud because he didn't want it to be true. He wanted to believe that they would make it through this and be able to live without Kurt and wait till the break to see him. So he stayed silent and just clung to Kurt tighter and they fell asleep in their loving embrace.<p>

"I love you so much; you have to call me as soon as you land ok?" Blaine said to Kurt at the airport. The plane was starting to board and the moment Blaine was dreading had finally come. Kurt had to leave. "I love you too. I promise I'll call when I get to my dorm." Kurt said. "I have to go. I'm going to miss you so much." He started to walk away but Blaine pulled him in for one final hug and "I love you with all my heart." Blaine whispered into Kurt's ear and then he was leaving. Kurt walked away and started to board the plane and gave Blaine one final sorry look and then he was gone. Blaine could feel the tears pricking the back of his eyes but he promised himself he wouldn't cry until he at least got in the car. "I know he's gonna miss you buddy" Burt said as he clapped Blaine on the shoulder. Blaine had almost forgotten Kurt's family was there. "I know. It's just hard you know?" Blaine replied. "I know" Burt said with finality.  
>Blaine left the airport already feeling defeated and resolved to drink himself into a stupor the minute he got home.<p>

Blaine walked into his "too big for a house" house and attempted to make a bee-line for his room but his father coughed in indication that he needed to come over and have yet another attempt at some friendly conversation. "So where were you?" asked Blaine's father. He was a rather tall man, broad shoulders, dark very short hair almost in a buzz cut and his voice held an inherently condescending tone whenever speaking to his family. "I went to say goodbye to Kurt. I told you he was leaving today" Blaine responded with just a hint of annoyance that his father had forgotten how important this day was for his son. "Oh yes, that boyfriend of yours. I actually wanted to talk to you about it." His father gestured towards the kitchen table, hinting Blaine to sit down. "While I don't mean to be rude Blaine but I'm rather happy that he's left for a while, it gives you more time to focus on your studies this year. It's a good thing Blaine, you'll get over it." Mr. Anderson said matter-of-factly. Blaine had instantly become more infuriated with every word that came out of his father's mouth. Not only had his best friend left, but now his dad was now saying Blaine's misery will be good for him. He always knew his dad disliked Kurt and hated that Blaine was acting on his homosexuality. It supposedly embarrassed his father to the pretentious social circle of rich country club families his father surrounded himself with.  
>"Fine dad, it's a great thing." Blaine said with no conviction. He was resentful to his father's words, but was just too drained to argue. He decided it was O.K. to leave at that point in the conversation. He started to walk towards his room again, but was once again blocked in his path. This time by his brother Cooper who tackled Blaine in a bear hug as soon as he got Blaine in his path, "I'm sorry man, I know today must have been hard for you. I know how much you love Kurt. I feel like you need this hug. If you need me just call ok?" Cooper said without letting go of Blaine.<p>

Blaine let go of the hug first and with a genuine smile, thanked his brother for caring about him. Blaine and Cooper had always been close. Ever since Blaine was born Cooper didn't want to let him go and had been the most loving brother since. Cooper was the first person Blaine came out to and Coop was fully accepting of him and said he'd still love him no matter what. But Cooper wasn't pushy and he let Blaine go to his room to be alone.

Once Blaine got through the door he walked briskly to the bookcase and pulled out the wine from behind his favorite novels. He chugged it down once he got the lid off and it tasted awful from the speed at which he was drinking but he needed to bring that familiar fog over his mind as soon as possible, he just didn't want to think about the rest of the year he was going to have to endure without Kurt. He cranked up the music on his dock and played "Little Miss Pipedream" and sand along and managed to remember all the words, even in his alcohol fuelled haze and poured all his emotion into the words whilst he poured the wine into his mouth in between verses. He opened another bottle and kept drinking and listening to his music until he eventually collapsed onto his bed and blacked out, hoping to forget that Kurt was gone.


End file.
